Unleashed

Journal Entry - April 2023

Ethan poured the bowl of cold water over my head.

“Think of something to let go of,” he said to me. “Let me know when you’re ready”.

We sat there in the steam room of the Russian bathhouse. Sweating, half naked, and surrounded by other people in a similar state.

“Ok, I’m ready,” I said.

He poured the cold water over my head. As the cold water poured over my body I exhaled, breathing it all out.

The steam room baptism was an impromptu silly little play. But exactly one week later I’m still feeling the residue of that act. Was that a little rebirth?

I did make a little vow during the ceremony - or an intention more like.

What did I intend to let go of?

Everything that’s holding me back.

With my eyes closed I visualized myself unleashed - releasing all fear of what’s holding me back from leaning into the explosive, creative, artistic side of me.

What’s holding me back? The comfort and predictability of financial safety.

That’s one side of it. A steady paycheck is nice; it feels responsible. Keeping my 9-5 that makes me a hilarious amount of money for the work I don’t do feels like a smart decision in a lot of ways. So how is it holding me back? In my meetings I’m not my authentic self. I’m a watered down, detached, corporate version of me. I’m unstimulated, glazed over, and apathetic.

Also, comfort breeds complacency. I can feel it.

But before going into further details of what is not working, let’s get back to my vision.

In my mind’s eye I leaned hard into my art. A life of full expression - painting like crazy. Going hard into developing the gallery. Creating is now my full identity. Nothing tying me to the identity of the corporate vibe. Full creative, eccentric, unapologetic. 

Vivid images of large canvases on the floor, paint splattering.
Events with creatives, running around, building.

It was a short vision but extremely clear. My whole being wants to run with this and become as fully as I can become. 

One week after the baptism I sit here in a cafe. Sipping on matcha latte. Buzzing from my microdose, foggy from sleep deprivation from planning and running the last few events at the gallery, my heart glowing from the connections and beautiful vibes from the last few days. It’s pouring rain outside; grey and cozy.

On days like this where my brain is exhausted and the over-rationalization of my fears quiet down, I feel close to the edge. Ready to jump. Quit my job. Go all in and start growing in this rebirth.