Costumes
Saturday, January 21 2023 - 11:39am
My soul had left my body and once again I was floating around in the dark - finally at home.
“I don’t want to go back”, I said out loud, the words coming out as weak whispers between the sobs.
I’m not new to reaching these transcendental states. This has happened multiple times during meditation; moments where I’m staring off into the empty horizon of the water, or during psilocybin journeys.
Essentially, moments where the boundaries of my physical self dissolve.
But something was different this time. That night, my soul didn’t just dissipate, it was also seen.
In that space I was held.
Eyes meeting.
Sound enveloping my entire being.
A circle of pain, hope, and oneness.
So it was painful to come back.
Usually coming back is a necessity I can make peace with. I can’t be boundless forever. After all, I exist here because of my human experience.
But I felt like my soul had gone home, and in my chest was a burning feeling of immense love.
A reconnection to all that is and the other souls that are meeting me there.
When I accepted that I needed to come back, the warmth in my chest turned into a burning lump of coal - a heavy pain in my body.
It was excruciating.
I wasn’t ready to come back onto the cold hard floor.
My untethered soul was not ready to put on the weight of my body again.
My life felt so heavy. There are just so many costumes.
That night when I returned back to my house I thought about the concept of costumes.
What are these costumes that I was referring to?
If I really dig even deeper, every physical manifestation we put forward is a costume. Not a single one is our naked selves.
After all, this is the cosmic drama, and the backdrop is our current “reality” that is the human experience.
So if the costumes are a must, I asked myself.
Which costumes are unnecessary?
Which are necessary (for now) and how can I turn it into something enjoyable?
After all, costumes and roleplay are supposed to be fun right?
So now I’m thinking about ways I can make it fun. What else can it be? Sexy, cathartic, therapeutic- to take on a persona of another for a bit of time; someone you always wanted to become and the curiosity of that form of embodiment.
Shapeshifting.
I think above all it’s important to remember that you’re playing and to not lose yourself in the fictional reality and role you’ve created to perform to the world. Remember, it’s all theatre.
Since that night I identified three costumes;
The role of the romantic partner
The role of the young professional in a metropolitan city (fast paced, money and discomfort centric, status centric, capitalist)
The role of the manager in my work.
And now there are these possible actions once you’ve figured out the costumes you’ve been wearing:
Withdraw from the role
Compromise the terms of your contract
If you must continue the role, figure out how to make it fun.
I’ve withdrawn from the role of the romantic partner, because that one should not be a role at all. It should be a connection of authentic levels and in fact, the space where you are no longer wearing the masks - the space where your souls can melt together.
What makes a good actor though? And how do we maintain a level of authenticity? Is it more like stand-up? Or improv?
I felt compelled to burn it all.
Why am I playing? Am I still having fun?
I think for now since I still need to play I need to look at it all as just costumes. And keep the ratio of costumes to real, as low as I can. A costume or a prop are the high heels, the glass of wine in hand during a conversation.
My unmasked self is disorganized, it's telling roundabout stories that eventually loop.
Or maybe never loop.
It creates, it's messy.
My mask is a manager, someone who keeps lists and creates structures.
Of course you don't see the real me in this context.
Because I need my mask to function in this role.
