The Spectrum of Love (Poem)

What is love?
I’ve wrestled with that question for as long as I’ve known.
I now see the fault in my approach; 
I had been trying to put love in a box.
Check off the terms and conditions.
The problem with that is; love does not fit into a box.
Love isn’t solid.
It can’t be grasped, packaged, or given.
Love is liquid.
Love is air.
It’s everchanging, flowing, and expanding. 
It takes on different forms,
Changing shape from one moment to the next.
Love is breathing and alive.
Love is life force itself.

___

That night we danced.
We became a flow of energy. 
Moving in and out of each other;
Passing through, engulfing, permeating. 
We flowed like water; 
a swirling river of limbs and breath.

___

I wanted to please him. 
Watch his pleasure, hear his moans.
In that moment we were lovers.
With my eyes I drank in his ecstasy
As I melted him with my touch. 
Fingertips spinning webs, 
Moving my bare skin over his,
Running my lips over his entire being. 
I worshipped every inch of him;
His lips, his skin, his scent. 
And then I let him take me as my body screamed,

“I need you.
I want you.
I love you.”

___

I loved him like he was my king and my warrior. 
I trusted him with my heart and my life. 
I softened into my feminine; 
A place of rest, beauty, and darkness. 
A surrender of the mind. 

___

He kneeled upright between my legs as I sprawled on my back. 
Into the crown of his head I saw a glowing beam of light;
An open channel of energy.
It entered him, continued into my own body, 
Then shot back out into the space around us.
An infinite ring.
Then we dissolved into that space. 
There was no “I”
There was no “you”
There was no separation;
There was only love.
We became the state of love itself;
The space that isn't actually a space.
We reflected each other’s light,
Creating a mirror that revealed the soul,
Opening a portal into the ultimate.
Complete bliss and dissolution of the separate self.

I love you.

___

He laid on my chest,
His head against my heart. 
Softly stroking his face and back, 
I loved him in a nurturing way.
My heart whispered,

“Oh my sweet beautiful boy. 
I want the world for you. 
I wish you all the peace, love, and happiness.
A beautiful life of utmost ease”.

I wanted to protect every last part of him from harm and hardship. 
From the darkness in the internal and external worlds.
I kissed him between his eyes.
Right in the centre.

“I see you.
I love you”.

___

Despite all my learned knowledge about non-attachment;
The way of Dao, mindfulness, and presence,
I held onto him for dear life.
Legs wrapped tightly around his body, 
My mind begged like a tortured soul,

“I never want to let you go. 
Please, please, please.
Stay with me forever”.

In that moment I never wanted to leave this space;
This dark warm cave we created for ourselves.
There was frantic desperation and anxiety that I would lose him.
I didn’t want a life without this feeling.
I desired to possess it.
But you can’t grasp water.

___

We rolled around in the sheets.
I smiled at him with my entire body;
A glowing grin on my lips and eyes.
We could have been sixteen years old,
Youthful and excited, 
Ignorant and in love.
We could have been six years old,
Just children playing.
I touched my nose to his and giggled.
We were baby souls. 
So light and carefree.
In love with life–
The only life we knew; 
The present moment.

___

We stared into each other’s eyes as we laid side by side.
Only breaking the connection to blink.
I saw his face morph into different faces. 
Continuously changing, though all familiar.
They were faces I had known over the course of all my lives.
It was like coming home and meeting an old friend.
We had spent so many moments together;
Battles, celebrations, and grief. 
My soul greeted his,

“Hello again.
We’ve met before. 
I know you.
I love you”.

___

We sat face to face with our legs straddled over each other. 
Hearts pressed so close, 
The only way we could get any closer is if we fused together. 
I wanted to give him all of my love. 
As much of it as possible.
My heart radiated light and energy,
Expanding that ball of warmth into his whole being. 
Like the sun to a solar panel.
A voice in my head became fearful,

“You can’t give all of your love! 
You'll drain your supply”.

In half a heartbeat I knew that wasn’t true. 
Love can’t run out. 
Love is infinite.
Love is the infinite source.
The only way to stop the flow is to close the floodgates; 
Preventing love from coming in or out.
If you leave the gates open, 
Allowing love to pour out, 
Know that it will also flow back in.

___

I stared at the ceiling and felt his breathing soften as he began to fade off into sleep.
In my ears was the sound of the Tell Tale heart, 
Beating louder with each passing moment.
Unless I tore open the floor boards and exposed myself, 
My heart would drive me mad. 
So I turned to him.
His eyes gently opened,
Likely sensing my gaze on his beautiful face. 
Once again those big soft eyes met mine.
So much light.
I parted my lips to speak and nothing came out.
A layer of resistance blocked my throat, 
Thoughts of rejection and pain stopped the sounds from escaping.
But I couldn’t be ruled by fear.
I didn’t want to live like that anymore.
So I breathed out,
And said it,

“I love you”.