Patience (Journal Entry)

Sunday July 3 2022 – 12:11pm­­ (Volume 5. Entry 1)

­­Volume five. I started volume one after all that shit went down with Jonathan.

It was the beginning of January 2020. And I decided that I needed to “heal” and work on myself. Boy, did I ever. It's been quite the two and a half years since starting “the work”. I found myself pushing, searching, and so, so impatient to become the highest evolvement of myself and to know all of it; Tantra, breathwork, all the types of meditation, somatic therapy.

To that I now say,
Patience.

This is only the beginning. Two and a half years of a lifetime of seeking, learning, and healing. I am exactly where I need to be - not one step behind. I will never know everything. There's so much to know, that I will be forever curious, learning, and evolving.

I've come so far with communicating and listening to my intuition. Pushing myself, expressing myself, and even allowing myself to love. Not only knowing romantic love but also falling in love with humanity and the world around me. I feel more connected than I ever have to myself and whatever else there is - the network of life around me I suppose.

I feel almost blank, but not quite. Maybe like how consciousness is a container, yet uncontained all at once. I feel open, like a blank canvas with colors just swirling under the surface, but not necessarily painting and coloring just yet.

What am I waiting for? these days I feel like the floodgates are on the brink of opening. I feel the pressure building and building; the weight of colors, emotions, and energy pushing against the doors. When will it come out? Or is the lever in my hands now? Or is it more like a control board and I have the ability to harness the power of the flow, letting it trickle out as I need it.

Now, how do we get chaos and control to work together? Creativity and organization. Maybe it's like jazz. But who oversees the flow?

The different instruments and energies inside of me are the colors, and I am both the canvas and vessel for these things to pass through.

As I continue to move forward, I will remember to listen, to both the content and the spaces in between the sounds. I’ll listen to timing, the shifts in energy within myself and the world around me; when to receive and when to be in a state of action. I will flow, release control, and any attempts to force action against the state of circumstance and timing.

By listening, I am a co-creator; not a conqueror of the resources. I trust myself; I trust the spirit and flow of life.

I trust that everything will happen when it will.

Al I can do is my best, remember to enjoy the process, and be present.