Existential Calm

Every damn day
I walk a fine line between calm and crisis
The tightrope act  makes me so sick.
A tornado in my throat
Threatens to vomit up
Everything I’ve tried so hard  to keep down.

The end of the fuse isn’t exhaustion
It’s a volatile dynamite in my chest
Desperation says, “burn everything to the ground”.
I long to run away, leaving behind a trail of ashes
Back into the arms of the Mother 
A naked embrace with the earth.

I say I don’t want to play
Yet I’m addicted to the level-ups
Societal praise like endorphin hits to the veins.
I wear my track marks like stamps of approval
Spending money on my skins
So again I press ‘restart game’.

The withdrawals come in the pauses
The spaces in between.
The silence screams,
What the fuck am I doing here?
So I put on more white noise.

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Who dis?

Nobody.
Wearing somebody.

I build my castle in this box,
Queen of all the Sand.
Man, bring me the dream life.
But what’s the dream? What’s the life?
What’s the wish my heart makes?
When it beats fast
Asleep.

Walking 
A fine line between divine and human;
Goddess of tortured thoughts and bodily functions.
A tug of war battle to tear the rope
A pathetic attempt at separation. 
I am polarity.

I am walking
I am playing
I am.

Done with this shit.

Just kidding,
Let’s start again.